May 1, 2011

I feel like I lost myself.

{I want to change the image of our time}
this is what I see on someone's tee pretty often and it pretty much makes my heart stand still. and it's scary feeling...because it says exactly how I feel but it also reminds me I'm not doing what I feel I should be doing right now.
no, don't get me wrong. this is not some idealistic dream about changing the world. no. I just want to change my life in hope that somehow it might help to change someone's life for better. just maybe my life could be useful.

“Be the change you want to see in the world.”


This is the quote I've read every day - painted on the wall in the office- where we kept band-aids and other stuff - which I used daily with 24 kids running around...

a couple of weeks ago (maybe more maybe less, that's not important) I stayed alone for the weekend - because everyone went home and I wanted to study so I didn't...and it was so quiet here at our place and I had lots of time for thinking.

and I had that terrible melt-down when I realized how unhappy I am with the way I'm living my life right now and I cried.

I cried like little child. I could almost see myself - the little Jarka I used to be just few years ago when I had blond curls and blue glasses and sometimes I felt like no one loved me - which obviously wasn't true because I was the most loved child on the earth and still am - I dare to say. (hi mom! I hope you know I love you as much as you love me - and even more!)

and I cried. I didn't cry like this for years, decades I'd say (yup, I'm that old already)

I cried so much I almost throw up literally ...eeek TMI ...sorry.

needless to say I didn't learn much that friday, just spent night sitting on the floor of our bathroom and then went to bed and cried myself to sleep. and then woke up with this terrible headache, full nose and tear-stained face. yuck

and that was a big eye-opener for me.

I've been so far away from God lately. I know he's right here next to me, holding my hand and crying because He wants me to feel His hand so much but I don't seem to be able to do it... I don't know why. maybe there's too much stuff in my life, maybe I'm too blue to see His rainbow.

It was so easy to feel Him when I carried Him in my arms, when I shared my dinner with Him every night and when He looked up at me and smiled.and I miss Him.

I'm about to show you a photo of God so get ready - mind you?

here He every one of my kids I saw Him and still see Him.

my mind runs in every direction, I love, I study, I'm sad, I'm lost, and mostly I'm scared and tired.
I feel like running away - home. but how could I?

I would sit in mom's lap and she'd tell me everything will be better tomorrow but she couldn't do that - that would be lying.

they say I should change school if I'm so unhappy. But this is not about school.
Well, it is, a little bit but I'm a vet, I've always been - I just need a paper now to confirm it - so this is not going to change, ...but I just don't know what to do.

I'd need to get away from all this mess and get some change in my life - just for a while, but how could I? if I can barely make it through the weekend when I don't see him for two days...

it's a mess.

1 comment:

  1. I don't have anything to tell you, other than that I will keep your heart in my prayers, which is something, I guess. But I do want you to know I read this and it really struck my spirit.