Jun 1, 2013

“And you will know the truth, and that truth will set you free.”

I write this post in hope that after putting my thoughts "on paper" they won't keep me up all night.
It's not meant to persuade someone or try to change your beliefs. It's simply a way of organizing my thoughts after talking to a friend who leaves tons of questions in my head after every time we talk. 
you may read it, but it's mostly written for myself.

why do I go to church if I don't believe everything they say? I go, every sunday. I go even if I don't understand the texts they read or sermons they preach. That's because I don't go to the mass to meet people, I go to meet Him.
Yeah, but God is everywhere, you don't need to go to special building to talk. That's true, but sitting down in church, for one hour, in peace without any other distractions helps me concentrate, it gives me space to think and get answers...and maybe most importantly, it reminds me of who I want to be.
It may be childish  - the need for weekly reminders - but I know myself - I need them in my life.
As you know, I walked away when they kicked Marco out, yeah, walking away isn't gonna change the thinking of the priest, I doubt he even noticed me leaving, but I'm not brave enough to stand up and speak just yet, so I reacted the only way I could think of back then and I walked away.
I haven't seen Marco in a long time, he came to my life for a tiny little while but changed the way I thing, made me question things I believe and the way I see church. I miss the days when I'd meet him on the street and we'd smile at each other and he'd say I'm crazy, laughing at my bare feet and then add that he is crazy too, so it's ok. I wish I told him hat crazy is the biggest compliment he could give me, I hope he knows how much I appreciated it.

what's heaven? The state of your soul in presence of God and everyone else you love - does it get boring? I could sit with my child in my arms forever and never get bored, forever isn't long enough to get to the point when you'd say, alright, that's enough, let's do something else, I'm bored from holding my child and being close to them. However, "forever" is a very relative term as time doesn't exist this way there.
I do believe that everyone's heaven is different. I love life too much and I'm pretty sure He'll let me live here again if that's what I want. I'm also pretty sure I'll be born black next time (that's not a politically correct way to say it, is it? ) because it's been my dream since I was a child.
I do believe there will be animals in heaven of some people, for example for me, God will have a lot of work with that as I want every animal there with me - I prayed for countless squirrels run over by cars (some of them turned out to be just bits of rubbish on the road but you know what I mean...)
Yes, you get bits of heaven here on Earth, mostly after doing good deeds when you feel like there's no gravity left and it's just that good feeling that holds you on this world....or simply by being with someone you love, truly madly, deeply... little bits, seemingly insignificant happenings...

imagine someone you love forgets his sweater in your place - I'd wear it all night and that would pretty much feel like heaven - complete happiness on the most basic level, but we, humans create too many "bad" things and there's no way we can make heaven on earth last forever, we need to try, but without absolute Love there's no way we can succeed.

I do say about myself that I'm catholic, or christian, but the truth is I know God and believe in what I feel is right. I don't agree with many, many things christians or catholics are supposed to believe, I have very different opinions about most of the widely discussed topics...and the thing is, I don't have answers to most of the questions - why I believe some things but not the others? because that's just the way I feel  my God is, the way I know Him. My relationship with Him changes, as I grow up, I dare to say I'm getting to know Him better, although I'm nowhere close to understanding Him, of course, but the way I know Him is different. I'm asking more questions and I'm getting more answers.

matthew 7:7 
Keep asking, and it will be given to you. Keep searching, and you will find. Keep knocking, and the door will be opened for you.
and I'll let it be for now... thinking takes time - usually hours at night when I should sleep, or in hot shower, wasting water. (save water, share shower - right?) ... it takes time, so I leave this post labeled "work in progress" because I hope I'll never stop growing.


  1. I think you've got it, the most important thing about whether you're religious or not, whether you're spiritual or not - is to know what is right for you, right now.

  2. 39 year olds in different countries have these kinds of thoughts too... :-)I think God finds us simply adorable. He doesn't care which details we do or do not get caught up on. He's just glad we want to be His Friend. Do you know every so often when you bake something or make a scarf- and for once you are not judging it for its imperfections- but instead are absolutely and completely LOVING it- and are proud of yourself ? I think that's how he feels about making You!