sometimes I wonder...

/nothing new...I wish I could write something else than sad posts about missing africa, but I can't/


sometimes I wonder why God showed me Africa, why He did it 3 years ago.
 Why not after school? why He didn't wait 'til I was ready? why me?

I wonder how was life before Africa? how much everything changed.
How much I've changed... I don't know. I don't really remember.
I had my dreams and my plans for the future. I had safe, comfortable home and friends. what do I have now? not much,...apart from all the stress and sadness from school and all the regrets and sadness from people I thought I knew, I don't have much. /I do know I have awesome life with my family and great people and I can study and I'm really thankful for that, I really am, and I thank God every day for blessing me./ but... I don 't really have much from myself. all I had, stayed in Africa.
 was it my choice? yes it was.
 did I know what I was getting myself into? no.I never imagined Africa could take everything from me, everything I knew, everything I had, and let the wind blow it away together with the dust.
Do I regret going? - NO! of course not. it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

 but it took everything from me and all I have left now is what never really belonged to me, because it was always me, who belonged to Him.. I have God.

 so, you wanna know how it goes around here?
 I wake up, grab my laptop and open it, first thing in the morning - and check my e-mail and skype. Then I study a bit, before I get hungry and then I make breakfast, somewhere in the middle of my cereal I'm no longer hungry. I keep eating. Not because I like the taste - it's plain oatmeal with some nuts. I keep eating because I think about my kids again and about all the kids who don't even get breakfast.
Then I study more. And I panic. We have big exam on monday. What if I don't pass? - I need to finish my exams this year, because in september I'll have last chance to go on Erasmus - hopefully Portugal. But what if I don't pass? - would it be that bad? have two free months around Christmas? - free months = africa for me...or at least dreams about africa, as I've spent my last money in september for my flight ticket to nairobi. and so I think about my kids for the second time.
We go get some pizza for lunch. I choose the cheesy one. Always. and I think about Grace, and that tonight is chapatti night, best dinner of the week. I think about my kids. it's sunny and hot here, and I drink a lot of water these days. Plain tap water. I used to drink water in Africa. and we also had chai for breakfast. so I search for easy chai recipe on pinterest.
 then I study more. at night, during dinner, I check blogger to see what's new.
I find a post from Katie. I read her blog, and think about my kids, and about Katie, about her girls and how hard but beautiful it must be to serve Lord fully every day. how beautiful it would be to say Yes... I study some more and then go take a shower, remembering the washcloth I left at home, the one I had with me in Africa last year. and I think about bucket showers and cold water and washing out feet before dinner. then we go to sleep. It's dark and silent outside. I lock my dorm-room and remember how I always left my door open at WWB...and I think about my kids for millionth time today as I pray. that's how it goes, every single day. and yes, I have beautiful life, but I don't really have myself, because myself is far far away, sitting on that mango-tree swing, waiting for me to come back home.