I miss you more than ever now. My room smells like oranges and sunshine, it's chilly outside and I should be studying for exams but I find myself dreaming about you again and again.
What are you doing right now? Are you happy and safe? Did you sleep well last night and are you sometimes cold under your blankets?
I don't trust God enough yet, to let everything go and leave my life in His hands completely.
And I tell myself that one day, when you'll be all grown up and studying and it will be hard I'll tell you to hang in there and fight because I went through it too and it was all worth it, but then I realize how stupid that would sound from me.
Dear babies, in your short lives you were braver than I'll ever be, you did more good and helped more people that you could even imagine. You are beautiful and important and you know more about this world than everyone else I know.
So instead, I sit here thinking about all of you and wishing I could fix our world for you but I can't. All I can do is promise you I'll work hard to give you better future.
and I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, and you didn't have mommy to pick you up from kindergarten and buy you candy on the way home, or daddy who would slice apples for you whenever you wanted.
I love you more than I ever thought was possible and I will see you again one day.
But for now, you'll have to keep being sweet kind and awesome, and work hard at school and keep your head high, because somewhere here on the other side of the world, I'm sitting on my bed, incredibly proud of you.
take care babies.